Wednesday, January 03, 2007

New Year, Same Shit

First, before this post goes downhill I'd like to thank bj, laura, katie and dana for their comments on the previous post - thanks guys for caring enough to jot a few thoughts down. Be kind to yourselves.

Now the real stuff of this post. I'm sorry you guys - someone said to me that this blog was attention seeking and I got a bit defensive but you know what? It is. I need people to be there - want you all to say that I'm right and that I'm doing what I need to do. I need to be needed too though - that's why my phone's always on. I want people to need me and I get paranoid when they don't, wrong as it sounds that's the truth. At the same time I'm not a person who can cope with being on her own - I can't do that. I end up tearing myself apart and just crawl into the corner next to my desk or sit down in the high street and bawl..

Last year I vowed to get a hold of myself, stop hurting myself and stop drinking so much. Have I acheived any of this? No. Of course I haven't - what do you think I was doing last night? So I'm not even going to make targets for 2007 because I won't get any closer to realising them - probably I'll get further away, as I have done last year. It feels right now that I'm being crushed by something but I don't know what, people keep walking over me and leaving me which I know is my fault but I never force anyone to talk to me, and I never leave anyone that I love.

I'm thinking of finishing with the whole education thing - to be frank it's all going tits-up and I'm not sure I can handle the failing of exams. It's a decision I have to make anyway, and I'm not sure exactly what to do about it. No doubt I'll let you know.

I once thought I was quite a levelled young lady who could handle whatever was thrown at me - of course that was when I was 12 years old and really more like a 30 year old. Now I'm 17 and I know that there are no certainties, I know that each day could either lift me up or drop me. I know that I can praise myself or drive myself into the ground but it doesn't make me feel better or in control, it makes me feel vulnerable and even though I vow never to let anyone look after me deep down I think I need it - I just never let anyone get close enough. Maybe I never will, maybe I'll always drive people away when they care.

This is a mess, like me. I have nothing profound to say, no poetry to spout just a long date with my car and the beautiful vistas of Guernsey.

Sleep tight

8 comments:

Stagestruckgal said...

Its not a bad thing needing other people. Honest. I used to hate being alone. My phone is always on, too. Its fine. Natural. As for the education thing, do what feels right. But dont do anything rash, you may regret it later. Your writing is never a mess. It absolutely spouts creativity and longing. Now I'm gonna spout your words back at you. Be kind to yourself. *hugs*

Rainbow dreams said...

Hiya Niki,

Sorry these thoughts are disjointed and don't flow, but...

Needing people to be there and needing to be valued, appreciated and acknowledged - thats universal, not attention seeking.

It's not easy to trust some one enough to let them in really close, but it does happen....honestly it does.

The education thing - I know the feeling of just wanting to give up, even though it is so close to the end of it, but....if you can stick it out, and perhaps you don't have to excel, just get what you need, you'll never have to go through that again, it'll be done and finished -

Your writing isn't a mess, and you're more together than you think. Please be kind to yourself and love yourself a little more - take care, hugs, Katie, x

Rainbow dreams said...

Oh and if that sounded like advice I didn't mean it to..., x

Awareness said...

At 17, I bombed out of school...crashed and burned in my finals. I wont get into the dooming details.........except to say that I didn't graduate with my friends.
I HATED high school.....hated it. It was phoney and full of pimply idiots whom I didn't relate to.

So...............I skipped off that summer and worked my ass off at a children's camp.....which if you've read any of my blog in the past year, I still refer to it as my second home.......licked my wounds....got a tan....experimented wholeheartedly....and went back to get the last of the high school credits at another school which allowed me to finish by Christmas. Then, I juggled three jobs and went backpacking through the UK and France. That was the goal that kept me going.

Why am I telling you this? When I finally landed at university, I knew I was where I needed to be. Not only could I CHOOSE what I wanted to learn......the fog in my brain had lifted.....and I fell in love with learning again.....just like it was when you are little and your curiosity keeps you motivated all day long..........

In between degrees, I put the backpack on again and ventured out farther afield..........that's when I learned that I had a lot to learn and it may not come out of a lecture series........that lesson stuck.

Take in the vistas sweet girl.

You will find your own way.....BUT you will never be alone........

PS. Your admission about needing others? I think this is the key to why I was triggered by you in the first place on Paul's blog. We are the same..........not only that, I think we both need to be needed. Ain't Nothin' wrong with that.

mister tumnus said...

hi niki.

some of what you write reminds me so much of myself. the difference is that you are not afraid to say it, even when people say you are 'attention seeking' and whatever. that is something i really admire about you niki. don't let the bastards grind you down. (and for my information, could anyone who doesn't need attention raise their hand please?! what kind of an accusation is that anyway?!)

i kind of hope you don't give up on education. i hated school really and it was a mixture of luck and blessing and not-knowing-anything-else that got me to a place where i was studying at university which was a different ball game altogether. to be able to have just enough direction and imput to keep things wildly interesting and just enough benign neglect to motivate my own writing was probably the best experience of my life to date. i know it doesn't work out like that for everyone but i kept on looking back at all the times i almost left school because it was so crap and childish and boring and wondering why all learning couldn't be as thrilling as it was during my university years.

i hope that doesn't sound too sad and old... lordy i feel old sometimes.... :)

Niki said...

Thanks Laura - my voice of reason! *hugs* If only I'd take my own advice...

Hey Katie; your thoughts flowed perfectly to me-thank you so much for being here. xxx

Dana, I wondered what linked us and I think you just described it right there; summer 2007 is going to make me and I'm just going to let things run their course. Que sera, sera. xxx

Mr T I suppose I will finish school; it'd be a damn waste to drop out now. I'm working the only way I know how - and that's pretty much how my life goes too. xxx

Lolly said...

Hiya Nik :)

Hope things are alright with you - I meant to text you the other day, but sadly I had to stop myself as I am running very low on free texts and credit :(

But hey..
anyway..

Keep smiling dear!
Lou
xxxx

Stagestruckgal said...

If only you would take your own advice Niki. Hope you're ok. I want to go home. :(