Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Has no-one told you she's not breathing?

I have been pestered to write a new blog; so here it is. (Although really Jon sweetheart to have a say in my blog you have to actually comment…) I’m really not sure what on earth to write; I’m at home in the middle of the day because I can’t go to school. Well I can, but I can’t. I should go but I can’t quite make it through the day – yesterday I skipped it all together but I went in for a while today before I came home to bed. It’s pathetic, I know it’s just I don’t really know what to do. I know I have to pull myself together but what the fuck do you think I’ve been trying to do for the past two or three years?!

Next week I have re-sits; Spanish which I no longer take, English Literature (namely Chaucer) and an Ethics paper – the subject of which has escaped me. I got Bs in all of them except the Spanish, which doesn’t even matter anymore, but at least I’m not sunk when I fail them.

Last night I spent a long time looking into my own eyes – have you ever noticed how rarely you do that? I stood and I stared, and then I ran. I ran as far as I could then I walked as far as possible; I walked to the ferry terminal and sat for a while, then I decided against it and walked to Castle Cornet. I stared for a while at the markings out at sea, then turned and walked home in the rain. I live in a tragically selfish little bubble, but at least it’s not my dad’s achingly decadent life. Incidentally last Wednesday I had a little run-in with him – one day I promise I will learn to handle him.

I met a girl I used to know at school the other day; she goes to a private college now but we used to be rivals – the first to finish the school reading scheme, the first to pass our music exams, the first to be a hall monitor – it was all friendly though. She has an offer from Cambridge and one from Yale, to do law of course – she’s not changed, just her successes have grown. Me? My offers are for French and English – real academic… They’re at mostly average unis, the ones I have chances with anyway, and ABB is optimistic for me. I’m skipping school and cutting myself; she’s taking 6 A Levels and looking at me piteously. It’s strange how things turn out. How people change.

It’s exactly a year ago today, the 10th January, that I tried to kill myself. I was lying in hospital wondering why they hadn’t left me to die, this time last year.

Wow; this blog used to be called CrazyCapers – it used to be pink and my biggest dilemma used to be which Clinique moisturiser to take on DofE. Look at it now – it’s black and I have red stripes. I should’ve made a new blog when it changed names; read the archives from 2004 and see if you can spot me in it. The me of 2007 I mean, the Niki, the failure – the depressing little teenager! I should go.


Niki said...

If anyone fancies organising my trip which needs to get from Guernsey to Exeter, then to Scotland, then to Hull, then back to Scotland, then to London... Please let me know

Rainbow dreams said...

See I don't see a failure Niki - I see courage and some one who keeps on going through all the sh*t that life throws at you. Who says you have to have achieved x by a certain time in your life anyway?

Please don't judge youself against others. Academic success doesn't necessarily bring fulfillment, thats just something some people want us to believe to get us to achieve the best exam results we can - I'm sure it works for some, but I'm not at all convinced that those who were most successful when I was at school are the happiest now...

Good luck with your resits - here's to you getting what you need for your offers.

There's nothing wrong with an average uni - I went to a mere polytechnic, but it served it's purpose and was fun too :)

I often stare into my own eyes... it's strange isn't it?

You're ok, it's just life is tough.

I wish you didn't cut yourself, I don't think you need to, you're a tough cookie.

big hugs - I'm pleased you're here,