Friday, September 08, 2006

The Invisible Girl

That's actually the title of a book by Peter Barham, as well as the title of a poem I wrote and was quite proud of until I saw he'd found the damn thing first! Anyway. How are you all? Preparing to go back to Uni in most cases I expect. I visited a lot of those places this summer and I'll write a detailed overview when I get back to Guernsey on the 10th. Good Luck to Laura who's going to Uni for the very first year.

I have lost a few people over the summer, a few friends. Not to death, but to normality. Maybe none of you are close enough to feel the impact, maybe you're just different people but I know that in the cases of some my calls and messages are no longer answered; letters no longer written and meetings no longer arranged. I don't blame them, not at all, I think it's pretty hard to be my friend - in fact people have told me that it is - but I love them for trying.

Do you remember when I first started being honest on this blog? Do you remember your reactions, what you thought? I was in deep then and I've been in deep several times since then - just ask to see my mental health record at the hospital! But I've been managing most of the time, surviving the bad days and celebrating the good - sorry if it seems I haven't written much about the good on this page it's just it's easier to write about bad.

Well right now I'm in deep again. So much so that during my weekly phone calls with the oracle that is Dr H, he has started to raise concerns and hint at staying here in the UK to receive 'treatment' once and for all. Tosser. I've got college to do, a Mum to keep level, sisters to guide, a Dad to hide from and a past to ignore.

It's entirely possible that the girl I am today is the girl I will be in ten years time - infact it's probable. Maybe I can find someone just as warped as me and we can get married and have messed-up kids. Although I don't think I could handle a kid like me - no way. Talking to a psychiatrist about domestic violence, coming down to breakfast with scars on show, disappearing for a week. I couldn't take my kid doing that! I'd kill both of us! Yet my Mum seems to be able to block it all out, my sisters ignore it and my Dad punishes me like I deserve. They've got it down to a T!

I was on the phone last night to the person I love possibly the most in the whole world and she was outstanding. Maybe she even saved my life. Who knows what's about to happen?

So I'll leave you here with a thank you and a request;

Thank you for sticking by me for two years or more.
Please speak now or forever hold your peace if you have any leaving me to do, or comments to make, or criticisms I'd rather get it all done in one holiday.

Love you


Abs said...

The Invisible Girl; also my nick-name on flickr.
And a comic book super-hero (I forget which one) - but it's no matter *shrugs*

Dear Niki.

My life parallels yours in so many ways.
Yet somehow, and I am not the only one it amazes when I am still in one piece, when blood flows through my veins uninterupted and when there is no crisis.

Maybe in ten years you will still be living at home, looking after your sisters, trying to keep a grip on your mother and avoiding your father.
But I don't think so.

I am living that story too - apart from the sisters; I've never had those.
But you don't have to choose it.
You're coming up to a point in your life when you can make decisions.

At 17 I had cancer; I thought I was going to die. So I stayed.
I chose to stay; to work for my local paper; to live at home; I chose what I thought was best.

You don't have to.

You can go to university; travel the world; go sailing every day; find your own story. Anything you feel in your heart.

And you know what?
You've helped me make my mind up. Right here; right now.
I'm not going to stay put. I'm strong enough now to chase my dreams to the ends of the earth, and that's what I'm damn well going to go. *hugs*

Stagestruckgal said...

Sorry to hear you're not feeling too good at the moment. We've been hanging around for a while now Niki, and we're not about to leave you. Keep talking to that person who makes you feel good, it will surely help in ruts like the one you posted in. Like Abs said, you need to do what you think is best for you. If you have dreams in your heart, which I believe you have, then chase them. Abs is going to. I am.

I will say it again. We're here and we're sticking here.

*hugs* xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Nodders said...

"Dad punishes me like I deserve"
Uh, just fuck right off with that comment, wash your mouth out with soap for that, I will not accept it, grrrr. ;)

Okay, that's my criticism for you - you better be pleased with yourself, you made me grrrr at you!

Once again, we're not leaving you, so stop trying to convince us to do otherwise - mofo :)

I care a great deal about you, and I'm sure that in 10 years time, if you do somehow have kids, you'll be a very different parent to those that raised you -yes you will, I can hear you disagreeing with me right now, but shush, stop saying it, you're breaking my concentration as I type. You will be.


Lolly said...

Niki - I know we don't really know each other at all so I probably shouldn't be commenting on personal posts such as this and I'm sorry.

But I just want to say that I hope you are alright because even though I have never met you, I think you are a great person.

You have loads of people that care about you and obviously like you.
Everything is going to get better, I promise.
I know things seem hard sometimes but focus on your dreams - your ambition will make you feel so much better and realise that there is so much more to life.


Niki said...

*Abs* My little star. I'm going to run from Guernsey, don't you worry. Just give me a year to get money and decent grades and I'm gone. Hugs.

*Laura* You seem to know just what to say when I need to hear it, thank you. Hugs.

*Gordon* You're allowed any opinion you choose: doesn't mean you're right - but it's up to you. Thank you for caring for so long. Hugs.

*Lou* If I remember correctly we rather opened up to each other a few months ago and therefore you've as much right as anyone else to say anything you like on this page. Thank you for believing. Hugs.

Stagestruckgal said...

aww its ok niki. just shows how many people care about you and would be sad to lose you. we believe in you niki, as do other people who dont necessarily post here. we believe.

hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Niki said...

Oh my god. I meant to say Good Luck to Davey too - also going to Uni for the very first time. I am sorry. Please don't hate me *batters eyelashes*