Just read these. I'm not going to explain them until the end.
If anything ever happens to me I want to take this chance to say I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault that he had most contact with me. I didn't ask for him to have an affair. I never said I preferred him. I kept being close to him to protect the girls, I don't think they would have wanted to pick him up drunk from a pub or call a cab for him or help him to get home or clean up after him, I don't think you'd want them to go through that. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, and I never did, even when I thought I couldn't take anymore.
I love you so very much no matter what you say and I love Ellen* and Comfort* too, although I don't know if we told each other often enough. Right now the thoughts in my head are so dark and the scars so vivid. I cannot go on. It is nobody's fault but my own and I'm so sorry I never told you.
What can I say? We had ups and we had downs, we were too alike. I'm sorry I never told you how I felt. I'm sorry for all those choices I made that you condemed. I apologise for my beliefs, but they were just that. Mine. My beliefs. I hope that someday you can wake up and see what I've been telling you for so long. I almost wish something would scare you, so you'd grow up and stop believing that you're invincible. It would be a lie to say I'm not angry, I am angry not at you but at what you do. I despair for you, because I love you.
I never forgot you, even in my darkest hours and when we had no contact, you were always on my mind. I prayed to a God I don't believe in for you. I'm sorry but not for the fact that I love you.
Isn't it strange how close you get to people without being close to them? That's how it was for me and for you, I expect. I know that if you are reading this I will either have released it earlier or someone will have read the note at the top of the page and come to tell you this. I don't know what to say to you. I do want to thank you though. I want to thank you for being there when I believed no one else was. And for never changing who you were when others I knew did. I love you too. And to Lucie* and Pete* I say, Keep Fighting. You are stronger than me and therefore you can make it, thank you to you too, love you.
You will sit and talk about me I suppose, not something I deserve. You will be talking about me but it won't really be me. Because through no fault of your own, you didn't know me. Not really. I never shared myself with you, I was afraid to let you in because I knew you would be afraid and might even shut me out for a little while. I know this will sound hollow but I write it with as full a meaning as I can manage, you are excellent people and I felt privileged to meet you, know you. Without knowing it you helped me until no one else could. So I thank you and I love you.
None of you really knew me very well, you didn't see me often but I know you loved me and I love you. I hope you can one day understand why I never told you anything. I'm sorry for not opening up to those who should have been closest to me. Jane* keep fighting, the fact you survived illustrates to me so clearly that you are meant to go on.
(* denotes names have been changed, partly to protect those who have not given me permission to write personally about them, and partly to make it harder for you to guess.)
Now calm down. I know you'll have read those and realised what they look like, but it's ok. I have published them now so they are out and I will never have to use them. I will never leave those for people to read when I can't read them to them myself. I promise this to you. They are simply so you can see how I feel sometimes and some are just so I could write things down that I can't say to people directly. I have torn the originals, on paper, up and this blog will be the only record of them.
That's the dramatic bit over.
Now guess which one is to whom.
x x x