I'm not sure how or what to write in this blog, because I haven't decided who can read it yet. Do I let Facebook know? Or Twitter? Or both? Maybe I should just write for me, for a change. Get it all out.
There have been a few changes in my life since I last wrote, namely an unexpected problem with my physical health. I had a routine blood test to check the levels of my medication in my blood, and it came back with abnormally low levels of a hormone. This was in August. Due to a slight screw-up on the part of my GP I didn't find out until I saw my CPN in November, so she advised I had them checked again, soon.
So off I trot to the phlebotomy clinic at DRI and then off I go to wait for a week for the results. It turns out that the levels have gotten even lower, and so I ask my GP for advice. She is vague and quite unhelpful, she says that with my symptoms and blood work the only thing she can suggest is a tumour in my pituitary gland. She says she'll write to an endocrinologist for advice and that I should call in 3 weeks to check.
All through this I have the support of a brilliant friend, so I try to put it to the back of my mind. I reason that if it was serious, she would have referred me straight away. I reason that the statistics are good, from what she has told me (only 30% chance of cancerous growth).
But on Friday I received a letter, a referral for the endocrinologist in 10 days time. It says on the letter that the referral has been so speedy because cancer is suspected.
So I panic. My sister-in-law-to-be was there so I kept it together. I repressed it. I didn't talk about it to William. Last night though I had a crushing pain in my chest, a dull ache that felt just like an overwhelming sadness. I'd felt the same the day before but managed to fight it. Last night though, I couldn't fight it. I cried and shook.
I know the chances are good, brilliant even. But it doesn't get rid of that word, the dreaded word.
I need to keep my mental health together, so have been diligent in taking my medication. I need to make sure that, just in case, I don't completely fall apart.
I'll be fine, I'm sure.