Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I didn't know what to name this post, so I have left it without a title.

Today I had felt better, had nothing but good things on my mind. Until this evening that is.

We were watching a medical drama and suddenly my mind was full of thoughts of hospitals, and my last visit. Why was I there? Because I wanted to die. Why did I leave early? Because I wanted to live. How can that be? How can emotions change so quickly and suddenly? Did I really want to live or did I just feel the need to apologise for what I had wanted to do?

I've seen the effect that attempted suicide can have, I've caused it. More than once. I've never done it properly - obviously. So I've seen the aftermath. The shouts and the tears. I've seen pain that I have caused and it must match the pain I feel inside.

Not entirely sure where this post is going, so please forgive me for my incomprehensibility.

I wonder what would've happened to me if I had stayed to go up to the MAU, am I still dying inside? Is that a gross over-exaggeration? I've spoken to, and been reassured by, a psychiatrist, that I'm not in fact dying and whilst bipolar disorder slightly lowers the morbidity age amongst its sufferers it is not likely that my death is imminent.

Sometimes I wish I had stayed in hospital. That's selfish because my family needed reassurance and I needed to provide that. But it was calm in hospital, laying on a trolley connected to monitors and drips. Would they have helped me more? Would the crisis team have come? What would they have done?

These are all questions that I will never know the answers to. All I know is that I have caused pain, because I felt pain. Pain for pain? That's not something I ever want to be responsible for again.


middle child said...

Get whatever treatment YOU need to feel better first. You have to love and take care of you so that you can do the same for others.

Nikita said...

That's what I said when I went to the Haven, middle child. To reassure myself. But after my latest admission I heard my loved one's voice on the phone and just couldn't do it. I had to put him first. x