With the help of Will's mum we now have a fully painted kitchen, and a decorated living room. We have a gorgeous tree all covered in lights and baubles.

People have really rallied round so that we have all our kitchen appliances, a couch and a TV plus lots of other bits. I'm touched and want to say a big thank you to everyone who's helped us.

On Monday we will do our Christmas shopping and then I'll really feel festive.

Merry Christmas everyone, thank you all for supporting me this year.

We moved in today.

Not entirely moved in, mainly we just cleaned. But still - we have a house!!

WELL it didn't go entirely to plan. We were let down by our prospective landlord just hours before we were due to move in. However, we then went on to call another place and, one way or another, we ended up seeing another house today. It was lovely, and in a much nicer area... so we decided to take it.

We move in tomorrow!

x

I'm in a major stress. Basically, our future rests on tomorrow. If we get a certain amount of money tomorrow then we can move into our new home on the 10th. If we don't get this money, then we don't move. Do you see what might cause me to stress? Will says it'll all be okay though so am trying to focus on this and not on the stress. Trying to steer my mind away from razors and into houses, my lovely mother-in-law to be bought us a pan set and a knife set today for our new kitchen. So keep your fingers crossed that all goes well tomorrow!

Happy 23rd Birthday to my beautiful boy. xxx

Police

I have a paranoia. It doesn't matter how many drugs I take or psychiatrists I see... I'm still paranoid. My big fear? Police. I am terrified of Police. In fact, even PCSO's and those people who wander around cities looking for people to help. Anyone wearing one of those reflective jackets sets my mind into panic. I don't know why I'm afraid. Of course we've had our run-ins with them and I've been in the company of an Officer on more than one occasion... but just now? I don't think I've committed any crimes... there's no reason why the Police might be looking for me. It doesn't stop me panicking though, everytime I see one.

It's exhausting you know. Every siren I hear could be coming for me. Every dipped hat could mean that I'm about to be arrested, or sectioned. I don't know which I'm more afraid of... prison or a mental institution. Is it even that that I'm afraid of? Or is it the Police themselves? I'm not really sure... it could be both. All I know is that I'm tired of being scared, of feeling my heart race each time I go out. I'm starting to get paranoid of being paranoid.

Another thing on my mind is self harm. On the 10th December it'll be 6 years since I started engaging in that little past time, or should I say indulging. That's what it feels like just now, an indulgence that I'm not allowed. Something that you love, but could do you harm. Like chocolate. Wilkinson Sword is my Cadbury...