Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Pourquoi?

Secretly one of the reasons I want to go into Mental Health Nursing is because I want to learn to understand self harm. Not for myself, just because it has always astounded me - it did before I even started to do it myself.

Currently nursing 10 new wounds. It's painful in a way it never was before.

I need to understand.

11 comments:

Kat Skratch said...

Self injury can come from many places- for me it started because I wasn't allowed to be angry. I needed a way to vent and I could never vent it at my mother. So I vented it on myself instead, though initially it started as a sort of suicide attempt. Then it became a coping mechanism.
Other people have lots of reasons for it though. I'd be interested to hear where you *think* yours came from. :)

Kat

Nikita said...

Hi Kat. Interesting to read where you think your self-harming came from.
It was similar to me. I felt like I had no control whatsoever, so control over my life and the pain that I feel was an amazing feeling for me.
From then it was always my way of getting some control - over anything that happened. Just like suicide is a way of controlling a life which has spiralled out of control.
Hmm... a post on this might be an idea!

x

Rainbow dreams said...

Niki, you are so honest, I appreciate that so much...
and I need to understand too, there are many many vulnerable young people out there (and some not so young)

am curious about how or why the pain has changed too,
Katie, x

Nikita said...

Thank you Katie - I think! I've sort of decided that the only way forward is honesty.
If I do learn anything, I'll try to write about that too. But have a funny feeling there's no explanation.

Oh there's a program about SH on tomorrow evening if you're interested? BBC2 9pm 'Meera Syal: A World of Pain'


I'm not sure why the pain has changed. I think it's because I was so reluctant to do it this time. I really did everything I could, for a good few weeks, to avoid doing it. I used an implement that I didn't think would work - but it did.
Day after it dawned on me, how many times I've promised Will not to do it. This time it hurt me to break that promise - again.

In some way I'd convinced myself it'd never happen again. It hurt because I realised that remission is not cured.

xxx

Rainbow dreams said...

I meant it as a compliment so thank you is good :)
I wonder if there is any such thing as cure, but instead, rather long term remission?
And that change in pain sounds like a positive step to me...
x

Misty said...

It makes me sad to read this, but I'm glad you can be so honest - I don't know if I could be quite so out-there about this kind of thing. Personally I think it's something that can never be understood, there's probably some strange chemical things in our brains that make us do these things while the rest of the world can deal with stuff in a 'normal' way. With me it all started with frustration, I think, and the choice between ripping off the wallpaper or ripping off my own skin, and deciding the skin would bother less people.

I suppose the fact that you're reluctant to do it is some kind of development towards NOT doing it in itself. In the many varied stages of SH surely that means something? Right now I think I'm far too intoxicated to make a great deal of sense, but I know what I mean...

Whatever goes on, you know we're all here for you - reading comments on your posts makes me feel comforted in that there are many of us in the world!

Jess xxx

Nikita said...

:) thanks Katie. I think you're right - it makes sense to me.

Hi Jess, I'm sorry that it made you sad to read this. I've been blogging since 2004 - so this honesty didn't develop overnight.
I think you are right about the reluctance to do it being a good thing, hope so anyway. All I need to do now is make sure this doesn't send me spinning off into an episode.

I am glad that you feel comforted, we are all here for each other - it's the only bloody way we can get through.

xxx

Kat Skratch said...

Nik-

Yeah, if things get shitty a comforting thought interestingly is 'I can always kill myself.' It's not the healthiest thought of course.
And were you suggesting I write a blog about my own issues with self injury?
I do believe some of it def has to do with control- for anyone who injures. But I think ultimately the motivation to do is different for everyone.
We are just products of fucked up families I guess...

Kat

Nikita said...

Not the healthiest, but still a thought I've had.
I was just saying it was interesting reading about where you thought your self harm started.
Oh I would definitely say it had something to do with family - don't think I could ever explain all that though!

Niki

much2ponder said...

This post, though honest made me sad because I sat here reading knowing full well there were no words that I could say that would truly help. My heart breaks for you. I worked with students with similar issues and tried my best to understand, but it just hurt my heart to see a person dealing with such inner pain that the only relief they felt was to cause physical pain. Just know my heart goes out to you. I so wish I could be there to just sit with you and listen.

Love to you Nikita

Nikita said...

I'm really sorry it made you sad Patricia. I'm in such a painful place just now, don't know whether I'm coming or going.
Thank you so much for your support - I value your words so much.
Much love xxx