Thursday, June 11, 2009

You're so fragile tonight
Been up hurting all night
It's not trivial like they think
Yes you're desperate and you're hurt.

Thought about it so many times
Too afraid to open your eyes
To see the sadness that's inside
Just sit back and stop time.

You're tender and you're tired
You can't be bothered to decide
Whether to live or die
Or just forget about your life.

'You're Tender and You're Tired' - Manic Street Preachers

I posted those lyrics because I can't get my soul to speak to anyone at the moment.

Things are changing, rapidly - too rapidly for me to handle. As much as I like to deny it change unsettles me and it takes me a while to ease into things. If I am not afforded time with a change then I quickly become distressed. I can tell when this is going to happen but can't often stop it.

As you know I am currently without professional human support right now - it's just me, William and a hefty dose of quetiapine twice daily. Unfortunately with the recent changes and those yet to come I have become - unwell? I'm not sure that's the right word but I can't find an alternative.

I'm not speaking to William, I'm retreating into myself offering only "I don't know what to say" as an explanation. I swing from crying and depressed to hyperactive and restless at an alarming rate, and then back again. I know all is not well but I don't know what to do about it.

William too is finding it difficult with me not able to convey my trust through him to other people, who it feels are in control of our situation. It distresses him that he has to make decisions for both of us - but I in turn am distressed when it is highlighted that I am not helping matters at all.

In short, these are turbulent times. But I've been through it all before, right?


Kat Skratch said...

I don't know what to say to this one, but I read it and wanted to show you I'm here. :)

Looking up that Manic Street Song you wrote...

Best wishes my dear, and loveliness and brilliance sent your way.


Nikita said...

Thanks Kat. :)

It's my favourite song of theirs, at the moment. You might have noticed it's on the player at the bottom of my blog - if you fancy a listen.

Much love xxx

Awareness said...

You're taking the same meds as you have been for a while? It sounds like you're in the middle of a rapid cycle sweetie, eh? I hope you get to a doctor soon. Maybe the stress of the changes have altered your internal chemistry....

YOu will get through it...yes! But pull in some support for you and Will. ok? x

Kat Skratch said...

New post girl! :) Trying to keep up with you...

Hope you're doing better... :)

Miss your words.