Saturday, February 07, 2009

Not sure what has brought this post on. It's not one of the ones I promised myself I'd write, perhaps I'll save them for next week.

I was thinking about suicide, again, actually.

Possibly spurred on by my next psychiatric review on the 19th Feb. I was thinking what I would tell them about myself, my state of mind, my feelings...

It feels like something I am bound to. A path I can't get off of.

It feels like I will do it, definitely, one day. Feels like all the events that make up my life are just preparing me for it.

No worries, I won't do it now... I mean I'm not in danger.

It was just like a realisation. All those attempts which failed... were they a sign to tell me how to do it right?

The pills haven't made me better... because they know they're a short-term solution?

Oh well.

13 comments:

Jess said...

please don't. you still being here is making me hopeful. and your poetry is so inspiring. i feel like i have an ally - an amazing ally. keep on going. you're worth it (tosses hair in a loreal style way, just because it feels appropriate) xxx

Nikita said...

:) thanks Jess. I don't know where this post came from, I just thought I'd get it out in the hope that it was just one of those nightmares which feels like real life.
Such lovely compliments, thank you.
I'd toss along with you if it weren't for my hair being in a bun :P xxx

Thomas said...

You are not alone. Enough said.

Please do all you can to keep holding on.

Nikita said...

Thank you, Thomas. Welcome... hope to see you round in the future.

Awareness said...

Niki....while reading this, the serenity poem came to mind. it's such a wonderful prayer too...said over and over until it internalizes. I was also thinking that I'd love it if you'd write your own take on serenity...it's such a beautiful word, one which I believe was created for poetry...

maybe i'll try to write one too?

take care.....you're in the hospital right? is that what you meant when you wrote hotel on facebook?

Nikita said...

Might just do that Dana. When I get the chance. Or motivation.
No I am in the hotel, with Will. Managing to keep a handle on things for now.

Awareness said...

good...:) say hi to him!

Linda S. Socha said...

You may not know it yet but you are worth waiting on. I can see it. You will see it. Maybe not today. While I know it is an option it is never never a viable option. Please always...say not now, now today. Not a viable option.

As Thomas says..You are definitely not alone. Just keep writing..
Linda

Nodders said...

I can't even pretend to understand.

And it seems so odd to say this to someone who sound like they need confirmation, affirmation or reassurance.

But I've gotta say:

You're wrong. You're wrong. You're so very wrong.

Failed attempts and failing medication doesn't say anything at all. There is no path you have been directed along, involuntarily or otherwise.

Nodders said...

There's a dance I created, it's called the Happy Hedgehog. It's simple, but I'm fairly certain, in fact, entirely certain, that it is impossible to feel at all negative while doing it. I shall film it sometime and place it on my blog.

Not for a moment am I suggesting that your situation is instantly remedied through the medium of dance, but hey, it is a pretty awesome dance.

Linda S. Socha said...

Nodders...Hey...I am a total believer in dance...Please check out the post on dancing on Psyche Connections and on Art...I think we need dance. I look forward to your creation
Linda

Nikita said...

Thanks so much Linda and Gordon... really nice to see you here by the way.
Am back home now after a short spell under care of the NHS... increased meds... Ah well you all know I'll be posting about it when have strength.
Will here with me for few days... though I promised psych I'd not be *silly* anyway.
So nice to come home to a full blog of posts from lovely people.
Thank you.

Looking forward to the dance hun.

much2ponder said...

Hey…girl found, it is true you are not alone in your thoughts and perhaps this is something you needed to share. I am glad you can talk about it and feel safe enough to be honest. You have been on my mind these past few days. Each time you pop into my head I say a little prayer for you and ask the Lord to bring you peace and a sense of comfort. If you need to talk or get some things out of your system…feel free to e-mail me any time. I will be here for you. I check my e-mail every day and I will do my best to respond promptly. I’m in your corner. You are loved.