Tuesday, January 23, 2007

J'ai besoin d'une etoile

I need to write. I haven't written any fiction at all this year. I know it's only January but that's a long time. Judging by the appalling grammar in the previous lines I'm guessing I've forgotten how to, too. I get paid tomorrow - I've been broke all week. I kept paying for stuff and taking money out, I never realised none was going in... Work had 'forgotten' to pay me for three weeks. Bastards. That's about £550 - and I need it! I owe money to everyone...for Ribena and chocolate and cigarettes. I guess now would be a good time to give all of those things up but damnit I don't want to. If I have to take meds every morning I'm sure as hell gonna make the rest of the day better and right now those three things are doing it. And the gym. And rowing. But not for the past two weeks because I'm a lazy sod using depression as an excuse. So prepare for reports of a coronary when I go back to training next week.

There are so many thoughts running through my head but I can't quite conjugate them into coherent sentences; I want to say so much but at this rate I'll still be saying the same when I'm 25. Incidentally I'm fed up of being 17. I don't feel 17 at all. According to the law I can't drink or smoke and I've only been legal a year... If only they knew...

I need another change I think; different hair again and different clothes. Maybe I just need to be a different person. A different Nikita Elizabeth. I tried to go a bit more quirky but to be frank my hoody is far too comfy and if you male population think that's lazy - damn straight it is. I suppose there's a limit to how many times I can change. Either way I'm running low on clothes - I'm not a high street kind of person. In fact I'm not a shopping person. I hate it. My mother thinks I've failed as a girl; she probably thinks I'm a lesbian too. She worked tirelessly to make me more elegant - I'm just not made to be elegant! Maybe I don't want my hair straightened or heels on my shoes. Sometimes, like today, I wear a skirt and heels and jewellery other than my staple bracelet and shell on a necklace; I wear a lower cut top. I like to be able to choose. I like that yesterday I wore trousers and a hoodie with Vans and today I'm wearing a black lacy skirt and green top. I like that I've no idea what I'll wear tomorrow until I roll out of bed 10 minutes before I leave. I like that if my life has taught me nothing else so far it's taught me not to give a fuck what other people think. If I did then who knows...I might still be crazy lady.


Julie said...

Your'e sorted girl! You think your'e in a mess when it's really you that's cool and together and the 'world' that's messed up and crazy and makes you think and feel it's you who's got it wrong!
Well that's my opinion anyway!

Great writing.
From a fellow messer upper.

Julie x

Rainbow dreams said...

Ribena and chocolate :) thats hardly splashing out....

more people could do with not giving a damn what people think and just get on with being themselves, and more people would love to not care as much as they do...

One of the things I like about your blog is that there is no pretence - you tell it as it is.

Take care, Katie

Stagestruckgal said...

I wish I couldnt give a damn what people thought. Theres nothing wrong with wearing hoodies - theyre the staple of my clothing! Don't worry about going back into training, it will be fun.

Good Luck with it. Ribena and chocolate aren't, as Katie said, splashing out. Go for it. Enjoy life if you can, which we know you can.

hugs n stuff. Laura xx

miss v said...

Sod it. You know who I am and I my other account isn't working...
Life is transient darl; so is our taste in fashion.
One day I am head-to-toe black with leg warmers up to my thighs under my trousers and a ballet skirt over the top; others I am polka dot t-shirts. Multi-facet-ed-ness is no bad thing; it's only mere representations of the self...*beams*
You don't need to re-create yourself my treasure!
Oh. And hair straighteners, Barbies and designer clothes equate with pointless to me. You are, indeed, remarkably sane...*hugs*

miss v said...

PS. I haven't written this year either.
Saturday I shall though. I have already made a promise. And hey - if you want to I can strike that deal with you too...XXX

Niki said...

Hiya Julie; thanks for braving my own little bit of the web. Dunno about sorted though! X

*hugs* Katie you likkle star; well if I don't have honesty what do I have eh? X

Heya Laura - having a little bit of an idea what people think isn't so bad. One day you might say 'fuck it' all together but until then you're good ;) X

I know who you are; I'm watching yoooouuu. Lol. Composure is regained. You might possibly be my female soulmate young lady; watch out! And yes, we have decreed that tomorrow shall be writing day. *hugs*