Monday, August 07, 2006

Eternal dreariness of the messed up mind

Sorry that was an awful use of a perfectly good film title. Sue me.
SO. Where do I start?

I'll start at the beginning.

The day after I arrived in Southampton it was my Great Aunty Grace's funeral. I loved her. She used to teach English and she gave me so many books, she wrote history and she just fell in love with everyone she met. I followed the coffin up the aisle with my Godfather, I listened to the gorgeous things being said, I wished I could speak, I used a packet of tissues (fuck my rule about not crying in public) and I sang.
Then we buried her, put her in a hole in the ground and threw soil on her. We walked back to the hall and some people ate sandwiches. I just sat and was asked fucking stupid questions about college and University and my eyes and was I married and was I my mother?
I went to the toilet and cried, a lot.
I drove my grandparents home in their tank of a car.
I went to bed.

Next we have Cowes Week. Seven days of lethal racing on a Contessa 32 called Blanco. A crew of 7 in a class with 16 boats. We won five days, got one second and one third. I fell into the Solent and met a lot of sailors. I ate out. I watched the other six members of my crew get pissed every single night, while I drank water.
Overall we won. WE WON. FIRST. Out of the 1000+ boats in the regatta we came about 5th.
It was awesome, and well worth the discomfort.

So. Why can't I get out of bed? Why aren't the meds working? Why do I want something sharp and silver that sure as hell isn't tin foil?

Why the hell am I still alive?

Sorry. Didn't mean to ruin the greatness of Cowes. Just a bit fed up. How are y'all?

Ah well


Abs said...

My God.
My god
my god
my god, Niki.
One extreme to another; tragedy to euphoria - and then nothingness.
It happens.
It's life, but also the most curious thing in the world.
I get it.
I get it all the time.
Not to say I understand it; just I experience it.
Ice cream and sleep. It's the answer to everything. And if I weren't such a geek I'd be indulging in ice cream and sleep myself *hugs*

Stagestruckgal said...

awwwwwww niki!! Im sorry. I was in Southampton on Fri/Sat, in the marina. but obviously you werent there. i cant sympathise with you, i have never experienced what you are goin thru, but i can offer some support, and sympathy if you want it. you may not. i dont know.

darn it all, i wish i could help.

Nodders said...

Excellenty Miss Nikita and well done most verily on your wins and high ranking in Cowes :) Not too happy to hear your longings for sharp stuff, I can only hope it'll fade with time :(

I'm very sorry to hear of your Great Aunt's death, my respects to her.

Niki said...

Abs, my little Abs. I forgot what I wanted to say. I can't eat.

Laura you're wonderful. No sympathy thanks, but knowing that you're there is a help.

Gordon, you're pretty damn special too aren't ya?

Love you all, you three, you're great.