Yup

Darlings

I'm writing once again from my bed, I spend a lot of time on this bed - in this room, looking around at these things. I've described it to you so many times now you probably have a perfect picture of it in your minds and would never need to come and see it for real.

Today was my first day as an official sailing instructor - and I have the shirt to prove it. I can't say that it was my best day, and really I'd prefer some time when I was content to start teaching children how to love the sea. I got ridiculously burnt and forgot to eat or drink because the idea of being responsible for three 13 year olds was way too much to leave me time to worry about mundane things like staying alive. I'm having to wear sleeves too because I don't want 10-13 year olds who go to school with my sister to see, tell her, tell my mum - and well cause a lot of hassle. So I rigged a boat and sailed it round all day with my instructor shirt, rash vest and lifejacket - and shorts aswell of course. It was 32 degrees down here. Plus it turns out that my charges are far more interested in their hair and flirting with the male instructors (who are very hot, admittedly, but they're a little old for the girlies).

On the plus side when we'd finished for the day all the instructors headed up to the bar, I was in two minds as to whether to join them but I did in the end and had an amazing time. Don't listen to what people say - sailors are lovely people and will only yell at you to FUCK OFF ASSHOLE if you're in their water and causing them to lose time in a race. Sure they drink a fair bit but the majority of them are sweet and funny and amazingly laid-back, which is just what I need this week. No matter how shit I'm feeling, how much I curse the reason for me being STILL alive and how much I moan, I just love the sea. End of.

I mentioned swimming the other day; I took my little sister - Emily aged 6 and 8 months - to her swimming class on Friday and I saw all the teachers there, all the little kids learning how to swim. I went upstairs and saw the qualifying times for the Island Games in 2007, and my old coach walked up behind me - well attacked me from behind - and told me she missed me. I want to go swimming like I used to, five times a week and properly dedicated to it. J and I were chatting after she'd finished tickling me and she reckons I could get those times for the 2009 games, if I started working hard again. It was nice to hear that, sure, but I can't do it - not now. I've changed far too much, not just physically but as a person too, people don't realise how much stress swimming properly brings and I don't want to commit to a three year training program just now. But I will swim more, not five times a week but everytime I go to the gym.

So how am I doing? To be honest I feel like, in the words of Thom Yorke, that "This is fucked up, fucked up" God this guy's depressing...mmm