Friday, March 03, 2006

100 changes

Well as I am in the mood for celebrating insignificant things, this is my one hundredth post on this blog. The blog has gone through name changes, background changes and countless profile changes - the blog after all, is a representation of myself - Nikita. I too have changed and henceforth reflected such changes in my blog - I have evolved from 'Crazy Lady' - the intolerable Shania Twain fan, into Niki. I have changed bedrooms, from a green and blue one, to a pink and orange one. And my interests have changed, the things and people I care about have intensified - or at least my feelings towards them have. I listen to different music, read different books and say different things in a different environment - in short, I have grown up properly and stopped trying to run away from what I cannot hide.

When I started this blog in July of 2004 I was just 15 years old, fresh from the delights of Duke of Edinburgh and the relief of finishing my first GCSE year. But the girl who started this blog, was lying. She was pretending to be someone that she certainly is not and she was trying to cover up, forget, things that you can't just forget in an instant. This girl was losing grip but refusing to admit it. Crazy Lady had never stopped to think about anything that happened to her, she instead turned to someone else and tried to help them deal with it, it was easier for her to forget her own feelings and simply shrug her shoulders - relieving the sadder thoughts she didn't understand.

In about November of 2004 things started to change for Crazy Lady and she began to realise that experience cannot be forgotten, and no one can hide forever - so she began talking. Instead of trying to make people laugh while she cried she started to think about how mature she had been forced to become. It took a long time however, for this girl to realise that she could not cope with this simply by talking across the Internet. In fact it took her starting to harm herself and carrying out some truely selfish attempts to really hit home that something was just not right.

GCSEs in the summer of 2005 passed in a blur, negotiations were already in place with a doctor with regards to getting some help - someone to talk to. Because after all, 12 years of supression brings up some interesting conversation. By now, the blog has changed to 'Niki' and has also shed its original pink background in favour of a more reflective theme. The content too, has changed and is now honest. By the time GCSE results were out I had been to Cowes Week alone and led a camping trip for young girls, the results themselves were not as high as predicted - but then the predictions had not taken long periods of crying whilst hidden under a duvet into account, yet still they were good enough to get into 6th form - but we'll get to that later.

On the 21st July 2005 my mother, two sisters and I moved house - we moved to dreaded suburbia, we moved to a three-bedroomed house in a clos of identical houses. The houses are full with identical families with only appearance and history different from each other, but I do not care because hidden inside the house is my sanctuary, the first sanctuary of my own. It is in this bedroom that many an honest post is written, many a poem of questionable quality, many a letter. The rest of the ensuing summer holiday passed in somewhat of a blur, a blur of confusion and anticipation of starting yet another year at school - one I had to try and see as one more step in the path to freedom.

The 30th of September is the day that Crazy Lady died, officially, almost a year after she realised running never worked. It was this day that Niki went to see and talk to Dr H, someone that she had pinned all of her hopes onto, and she sees him to this day despite interruptions and doubts, fear and longing for 'normality'. For Niki, feeling sad and being depressed is no longer such a great tragedy, it is something that she has been given new help with to get over. As of three months ago, she no longer regularly harms herself and it has been just over seven weeks since she last tried to escape.

6th form is indeed my pathway to the future, I am no longer skipping classes or assignments because once again I have woken up to, or reminded myself of the fact that running away with good intentions never acheives anything. If I concentrate on school then I can get good grades, I know I can really, and in turn I can go to University - in Scotland if that's what I decide, and things can and will get better.

Today I have begun a new treatment and I have resolutely decided to make this post a celebration, not a celebration that focuses just on the positive aspects of live but one the accepts that without darkness we cannot find light - after all it is only in the dark that we are able to see the stars.

So I thank you for staying with me throughout my journey, for always being there and for never running away from me. I'll leave you with a quote, found on an album sleeve.

"Sleep away the years, sleep away the pain, wake tomorrow - a girl again." - Hal Summers

Love you guys

2 comments:

Nodders said...

Wow, that was like a 'this is your life' story! Its strange to think how great a change there has been in your public-image, how the mask of Crazy Lady has been shed. As much as I liked her then, I'm very glad she's gone, Niki's a far greater friend than I could have imagined - no way would I have ever thought I'd meet up with someone on the internet! Congratulations on the 100th post, I'll get the dips :)

Niki said...

Oh no did it sounds really cheesy? Could you imagine some guy standing there with a big red book?
Crazy Lady was kinda fun but much too high maintenance, and not real really!
It is amazing to think of the friends ships that have grown, I too never imagined being such great friends with people from the Internet - so thank you.
I think it's my turn actually...