Monday, August 15, 2005

The Saga of Niki

I'm carrying on with the whole honesty thing on this blog, sorry.

I'm in my new bedroom, decorated and furnished solely by myself - I'll show you a picture sometime. I've been here all day, writing and listening to music and well, crying, amongst other things. Right now I am trying to listen to my entire CD collection to decide which albums to keep, I got up to Boyzone's Greatest Hits. Honestly. I own that CD. I'm on track 15 which all you avid fans out there will know is 'You needed me'. This is mine and my father's unofficial song, it just made me cry. Reading how sentimental that sounds is making me feel sick so sorry to anyone reading, but you know about Dad and I, sort of. I have recently had to face up to a lot of facts regarding Mr Le Sauvage, character traits and selfishness relating to him, things I think I'd rather not know - I have enough going on in my head without that. But whatever.

Our unofficial album is Shania Twain's 'Come on Over' and that makes me cry too. The first song I remember listening to on Dad's music system, when I was about four is Tina Turner's 'What's love got to do with it?'. Celine Dion's Titanic song is the one that was playing that evening when all hell broke loose. Kate Winslet's 'What If' is the song that was playing the day Dad left home for the second time in 1999. Ronan Keating's 'Life is a rollercoaster' is the song Dad played on his car stereo the day before he was convicted for drink-driving for the second time. Leann Rimes' 'How do I live?' is the song that was playing in the cornershop the day I walked down to meet Dad after he came out of prison, on the 27th December 1999. The Clash's 'London Calling' is the song that was playing when Dad and I were walking around Gatwick two days after I met Davey, Keir, Conor and Chloe. The Calling's 'Wherever you will go' is what I fell asleep to (with the aid of many sleeping pills) last night.

I got back from Guide Camp yesterday, a week camping in the New Forest with 10 girls aged 10-12 and three other leaders. It wasn't proper camping because we had a cooker thing and toilets and a hut with tables and chairs, and we slept in four man tents. We did swimming and low ropes and climbing and abseiling and kayaking and rafting, I am shattered. I didn't sleep and I forgot my rollmat so I layed on the dry ground for seven nights. The last night was possibly the bit I enjoyed, I layed in the open air in a bivvy bag and watched the shooting stars all night long. I didn't really enjoy being responsible for so many children when I didn't feel responsible or in control of myself and that was what ruined it really. That and a few other things.

I am also looking through old copies of Q magazine and NME whilst I write this and reading all the articles over again, articles on Elliot Smith that didn't catch my eye in 2003, on Kurt Cobain that annoy me, on Joy Division which I have cut the posters out of and on the Manics when they met Fidel Castro in Cuba. The time scale on this post, by the way, is screwed because I have had my internet useage raitoned owing to the 95 quid bill I owe my Mum from last quarter, therefore I'm writing this to put on the net whenever I can next access it. Which I guess if you're reading this, is now. I'm also reading back issues of The Grammalogue - the school magazine which comes out once a year and I have contribted to on numerous occaisions, whilst doing so I have found a poem written by a girl I once knew, I'll put the poem at the end of this post.

The sun is streaming through my window, there are no clouds in the sky, there's a 20kt breeze - it's what I might have called a perfect day had I been sailing today. It's what I might still have called a perfect day even if I were on dry land. It would be a perfect day if my head would let it be.
"Slats of cloud patch up the pink leak in the sky" - beautiful sunsets in the New Forest evenings. "I shall return once more" - to where? All I know is I will. "I'll drown if I stay here" - guaranteed.
That's it for now, take care.

'Tomorrow' - Lara Wood aged 15

Tomorrow's too short when you've lived for today
You made a mistake, now I will not stay.
Tomorrow's too short and you've thrown it away.

You know you never allowed me to have my say.
We grew apart and you pushed me away.
Tomorrow's too short when you've lived for today.

Why don't you care Dad? Why don't you say,
"You make me proud , Lara, everyday."
Tomorrow's too short when you've lived for today.

Now I'm past caring, why should I pay?
You made a mistake, Dad, now I'm drifting away.
Tomorrow's too short when you've lived for today.

Have I let you down Dad? Why don't you say,
'I love you my daughter, more and more everyday.'
Tomorrow's too short and you've thrown it away.

I've drifted too far now, maybe one day
You'll understand Dad, what you've let slip away.
Tomorrow's too short when you've lived for today.
Tomorrow's too short Dad, and you've thrown it away.
x x x


Spencer said...

Loved your post ... sadly I'm too damn busy to catch up on the whole thing right now .. but I will.

Sorry to hear your a bit blue too ... listen- if I can start to feel better about myself, anyone can.

With love,


Niki said...

Thanks Spencer, great to see you down here. Catch up soon x x x

Stagestruckgal said...

Nice poem. Long post. Dont feel too blue. We can all be blue together. xx