But tonight is different... William is away on a camping trip, Alfie is in bed and I am left to my own devices. I have no-one to talk to in person, so I shall witter along to you.
It's been a few months since the robbery and a whole month since we moved. Things have changed a lot and for a while I almost slipped into a full-blown episode. What happened was bad enough. I was having little episodes when I could see myself dying, each moment of stress or fear or worry catapulted me into a dark little world. I was afraid to do anything, for fear of something happening. I thought that because I could see these things happening, they would eventually happen.
I'm ashamed to say that I also had a self-harm slip-up and ever since then I have felt nothing more than blind luck that William and Alfie are still with me, because I know if it ever happens again they will have to leave.
Since the move though, those little dark moments have evaporated. Even in brief moments of stress I have been able to remain calm and try to escape my 'end of the world' mentality. I have attended a confidence and communication course at the local YWCA and since then I can definitely feel a growth in my confidence levels. I wouldn't go so far as to describe myself as outgoing or even confident, but perhaps I have managed to shrug off that shy persona... just a little.
