The Truth About Me

I think that this final draft of my 'winning' poem is about as much as I can say.


I'm having trouble,
With who I am;
Brown hair and eyes and
Skin that holds so many deep lies.
The colours they cascade around my world,
But all that I can find are monotone tears.
I've lost the control that I never had,
In fact I'm a mass of mess,
Surely one day I'll be discovered,
The true extent of my flaws.
I'll try to hide until I fade away,
With a little help I can get to tomorrow,
Those who question I will ignore,
Until the hour that someone breaks through.
They've not found me as yet,
So I'll maintain my sheild,
I'll make sure that my smile is wide,
And my outlook sunny and bright,
Though deep inside my grey soul will protest,
It makes me wonder if I'll ever escape.
The conflicting feelings, the contradictions;
My torn terror and mixed up mind,
Look inside and you'll see that you're blind,
What you see is not what I am,
So slowly I'll begin to realise,
The unstoppable future is revealed.
There are millions of people living and afraid,
And compared to them I see that -
Really,
I am nothing.
I am nothing.


Ha. If that got 1st place I dread to think what the rest were like...

I want doesn't get

I want to go to London. I love London.

I thought perhaps I just wanted to be anywhere that wasn't Guernsey, but no, I definitely want to go to London.

Anyone else feel like their life's falling apart? No? Ok just me then.......

Surreal

You'll have noticed of course that most of my blog titles are just one word lately - this is because I have no imagination and am feeling rather run down.
I guess you guys at uni all got to the point when school felt too young for you - when you felt you'd outgrown it and had no place there. I am at this point. Grades are slipping because my effort is minimal and everything seems to be focused on UCAS - no offers as yet I must add.

On a brighter note I won a sixth form poetry competition and have refused to read it it assembly - I thought noone would ever read it again, there's no way 1000 people are watching me on a big stage reading the damn thing!

Just feeling a bit useless and distant I guess - apologies if you can tell from conversations with me. I sort of feel like I'm the only one in the world and I barely notice when someone else drifts by...sounds sort of bleak I guess. It's not so bad. Just have to get pulled back somehow.

On a stranger note I now have red hair. I kinda like it. Maybe I'll leave it that way, maybe I won't. I'm on the hunt for a sort of black/red colour because black sort of made me look like a dead pirate but red's a bit extreme - so black with a red tint is appealing. I hated my mouse brown and I refuse point-blank to go back to my childhood blonde.

Well I shall leave you now to your merry thoughts, reminding you that mine are with you.

Escapism

This is where I want to be. Away from everything and everyone apart from the crashing of waves on the hull.

No more counting

A member of an online community I am part of passed away the other day, she took her own life. She was my age and she was known as emmybug. She didn't post to say she felt suicidal, she didn't text anyone, she just slipped away.
I am crying because I'm thankful. I have been where she was in her mind and someone or something saved me. It was decided that it wasn't my time to go, and I'm thankful for that.
Unfortunately emmybug slipped through the soft net we put up to protect her, and now we can only hope that she has peace.

No alarms and no surprises, please

I am without picture today and relying heavily on people recognising that inspired Radiohead quote up there. That's what happens if you don't get Broadband children. I had wanted to put a picture I took on Saturday morning whilst walking to work at sunrise, right across the Bailiwick and up into St Peter Port - even catching a bit of Beau Sejour and Les Cotils in the far right. Obviously this venture failed and will have to wait until I get back to college and the delights of free, fast Internet when I should be studying, then again a very wise man once said; "There's a lot of things I should do, kid"

This week is my reinvention week, my week to evaluate things. I've been wanting, and threatening, to do this for some time now but haven't had the time. Lo and behold along comes a little thing called half term to help me out. So inbetween reading all those books I meant to read ages ago, catching up on recomendations and making passable poems out of scribbles - I've also been changing.

I don't need to spend my wages as they arrive in my account each week. I don't need to buy copious amounts of clothes in a vain attempt to cheer myself up. I don't even need to buy that jumper in FatFace or those shoes in Sail Or Surf. I have everything I need. What I am going to do is save up for my car insurance and tax which both need renewing. I'm going to save for Uni. I'm going to save for a really torrential rainy day because spending on the little ones doesn't make them any brighter at all.

Last night I was reading through all the references that were kindly written for me when I was put forward for Lieutenant Governor's Cadet (Presentation ceremony on the 8th November - beward dodgy Guernsey Press photos of me in uniform). They are outstanding references and I can't get my head round them being about me. Me! John Elliott from GST wrote such a sweet one, and Jenny Falla from Guiding, a bunch of my teachers at school and even a little girl I babysit sometimes. They actually make me cry because what I'm reading here is how I appear to other people, it's enough to make anyone cry.

They say that people change, and I'd always maintained that my mum could change, my crazy alcoholic dad could change - but I never really believed it. They both have cars and houses and all they need, their lives suit them without change. I can't change anybody to fit in with my ideals for them - not my family and not my friends. But people do change with time, little aspects of their personality become incompatible and slowly but surely they drift away. That's sad of course but repairable - if both parties want it to be. Unfortunately part of these changes often involve irreparable differences and whilst I know a lot of people have drifted away from us all they never stop caring, maybe they just stop laughing at our jokes or loving us in our flawed beauty. We will never stop loving them though.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and I'm going to think of five things or people that I love, then I'm going to tell them. Try it.

Apprehensive but fine

I write to you, petals, from college. I have completed and sent off UCAS, I have completed and handed in assignments meant to be half term work and I have had my stitches removed this morning.

I'm looking forward to a half term filled with sleep and nothing else. I'm looking forward to spending time with my friends. I'm looking forward to a break.

I'm good.

Morbid Outlook

Today I am having a day of realisation. There are no doubt many causes for this and there's no doubt that most of them will sound stupid to you. Last night I had a very bad night. I knew it was coming and I knew that no matter what any psychiatrist or caring friend said I could not avoid it, and I couldn't. For days now I've known, I've been practising for it and working up to it and feeling so utterly lifeless that I'm surprised I managed to do it.

But I did. The first aid supplies holding my arm in place are testament to this. It hurts, of course it does, but it feels like a deserved hurt - a hurt that I've earned. I feel sick, and probably sound it too, but at the same time I feel calm - because I have quelled the beast inside and fed to him his ritual serving of blood, until the next time.

I feel devoid of an identity today, lacking in direction. Christianity today is a distant hope, and happiness a far-fetched dream. Dutifully I came into college today, wrapped up like an eskimo.

Uhm

I was going to put a photo of me and some pals in France but then I realised how fat I looked, and cancelled it. So I found a better one.

I'm not feeling brilliant today, I know I'm a big mess. I'm getting there though.

Love ya

Reconciliation

Who knows if I spelt that properly? I don't know.
I love you guys, you know that? Everyone who ever visited here, I love you.
I felt I needed to write this post to apologise for my behaviour in the past few weeks/months. I am better now. Really I am. Next time I'll try not to take it out on you guys so much, cos that ain't fair! Anyway Niki is back, and she's looking to stay - will you have me? x

I'm having trouble,
With who I am,
Brown hair and eyes and
Skin that holds so many lies.
The colours they cascade around my world,
But monotone tears are all I produce.
My smile is wide,
The outlook sunny,
Though deep inside my soul protests.
I wonder if I'll ever match.
Conflicting feelings;
Mixed up mind,
Look inside and you'll see you're blind.
What you see is not what I am,
I'm nothing, not really.

x

Wish List

You know what I want now more than anything? More than anything in the entire world?
I want to be able to talk, in person, about me. I want to not be afraid and run off whenever the subject of me is brought up. I want to be myself in anyone's prescence. I want everyone to know and see my arms littered with scars. I want to cure everyone's depression. I want to look good and know I look good. I want to sail around the world. I want to be in love, not just loved by someone. I want to not cry every morning. I want to not cry everynight. I want to write an entire book about everything that I've crammed into 17 years. I want to wear sleeveless tops and not be stared at. I want people to see beyond my scruffiness. I want people to not think I'm just a stereotypical teenager, because I'm not. I want to be enveloped in beauty.

Both Sides Now

I love Joni Mitchell. I love the acoustic version of 'Both Sides Now'. I love the lyrics.
I'm sorry I brought Christianity into this blog.

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you"; right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Desperate

Soon. Soon I will stop swamping you with black clouds. Soon.

I am told anyway. God told me. I'm not sure that I believe him.

I don't know what he meant. I have an idea.

Until then, shine on my sparkles.

Beautiful Pain

I know you thought that you were getting rid of me but I missed my connecting bus so I've now got a few hours to kill before I have to catch the next one. Therefore I thought I'd do something that I haven't done in a while and pour out every single one of my thoughts. There are quite a few so unless you've got a strong stomach or are incredibly bored...I'd advise you to look away now.

I want to be close to someone, really close to them - in body and in mind. I have rekindled my Christianity in a vain attempt to find some peace, or something, in my life. Right now I really need someone, or something, and since I don't want to have to see my friends cry again anytime soon I found myself at Church. Despite what many of you might think, I have not gone mad. I have always been curious about faith since I went to Sunday School as a child and have watched my mother go to Church every Sunday since then. It felt like the thing I was missing and for the moment, it's keeping me alive. I know that it's a cowards faith as I'm only there really to cling desperately to some form of reality, but it's a faith all the same and maybe someday God will even forgive me for all that I've done and welcome me back.

The title of the blog is something I was thinking about on the plane this morning. Am I becoming too fond of depression? It sounds absurd of course but I wonder if just maybe a part of me is afraid of what I could be without it - without self injury and without medication and without therapy. What's left of me? What would be left of my life? Am I really relishing my pain? I never stop talking about it, making you and others feel uncomfortable. I think that the idea is not all together unfounded, although it is sad and slightly unnerving.

I sound like I'm having a mid-life crisis I know. At 17. I know. But to be fair I've done a hell of a lot in those 17 years and by some people's standards I have reached middle age. God. The truth is I am very unlikely to go to Uni, now. I can't afford it and though my father can he believes I should make my own way in the world, which is fair enough. But really I don't think I can. I don't want to become him or my mother. I would rather be a nun than spend my working life in Guernsey at some private bank going further and further up my own arse until one day I just disappear and no-one notices until I'm washed up at Fermain, or something.

So I have decisions to make. I have to choose a life. But first of all I have to choose a Nikita.

Faith

Who am I kidding?
Faith in what exactly? This is exactly why I went back to Church, and it's exactly what's tearing me apart now.

I'm going away for a bit.
Use the UK number if you need me.

x

It's here

Over me
Looming
Stuck under it

Poppies In July

Little poppies, little hell flames,
Do you do no harm?

You flicker. I cannot touch you.
I put my hands among the flames. Nothing burns

And it exhausts me to watch you
Flickering like that, wrinkly and clear red, like the skin of a mouth.

A mouth just bloodied.
Little bloody skirts!

There are fumes I cannot touch.
Where are your opiates, your nauseous capsules?

If I could bleed, or sleep!
If my mouth could marry a hurt like that!

Or your liquors seep to me, in this glass capsule,
Dulling and stilling.

But colorless. Colorless.

Sylvia Plath

And the raging swirl of depression rages.
Adieu.

Rollercoasters

I know that this is an overused analogy but suppose that my life is a bit of a rollercoaster. Think of last night as the big dip which is approached at about 500mph and you're not sure if you're going to survive it because it's fast and manic and oddly detatched.

This morning is that long straight bit when you've no idea what might happen - is the ride over? Or is there going to be another life-threatening loop? No-one knows at that moment - even if they've ridden this particular rollercoaster before.

The point is that people don't die from plunging towards the ground on a rollercoaster. Right? Right?!?!

Don't judge what you don't know

I went to the gym yesterday and there were a lot of women in the changing room. Now I'm not a girl who wanders round with nothing on - I've always got my towel and I change in a dedicated room. It takes a lot to walk from the shower to my clothes then into a room. I do not appreciate Barbie girls making comments in hushed tones about certain red lines on my arms.

...

I know that they are there.
I put them there.
They are my fault.

...

If they want to look, fine but why or how they are there are nothing to do with anyone else unless I choose to tell them.
Have they been in my head? No. Are there any flaws on their airbrushed arms? No.

So they can fuck off with their giggling remarks.

It's a long way to good grades...

I promised a Uni roundup and now I'm back to college and that comforting routine of only working for about five hours a week I thought I should make a start. I'll go through them in order. Tough if you don't want to know, because I want to write.

Exeter

Nice campus, and very green. Bit contained - as in it was a Uni in a green bubble. I think I may prefer somewhere a bit spread around. The entry level is high too - AAB. Slightly too close to Guernsey too but I might apply anyway.

Keele

Up in Newcastle-Under-Lyme in the middle of nowhere. Again it was a campus Uni with a load of trees and smiling students. It's a bit land-locked and the town kinda creeped me out but it's my CCC entry level which right now I have little hope of exceeding.

Edinburgh

Gorgeous city and pretty buildings, I liked that the Uni was all over the shop. However I found the town a bit touristy and I was accosted by four Hare Krishna people which was annoying. It's BBB entry for my course.

Glasgow

For some reason I always fancied this city even before I went there. Stayed in the same residences as Keir so can testify that they're all the same. Smaller bathroom than Edinburgh but I'm up for a compromise. Major downside is that it's a five year degree and not sure I can finance it but we'll see. BBB entry.

Southampton

I went here to please my mother. It took twenty minutes from our front door to the Uni and that did not make me a happy girl! I know this city, I've lived in this city, this city bores me. And frankly so did the Uni - plus there were about fifteen Guernsey people there. AAB entry.

I still have to visit Warwick in two weeks time, but it's AAB too which I am no way going to get.

I got BBCC in my AS Levels and have just had a meeting with my tutor who feels I did not acheive my potential. Nah, you don't say! Year 12 was a shit year personally for me so I'm hoping in year 13 with the help of resits I can pull my sorry ass up to BBBB.

I now have to re-write my entire personal statement because my tutor feels that it's very me but far too chatty. Very me! Wouldn't want to come across as myself to an Admissions Tutor now would I?!

Hope you're all well, talk to you soon